*Note - this post isn't an accusation. It isn't a call for apology. It's not even so much a cry for help. You know that guck that gets stuck inside of you? This is just me trying to get it out. A cry for catharsis (which means the release of pity and fear) May be not catharsis then but definitely that whole cleansing part.
After we miscarried in February I fell into a dark hole. Then I found out at a party (Frank was at a bachelor party so I was solo) that one of our friends is due the day before we were. It was somehow worse than finding out that my sil is pregnant the same day we found out we were miscarrying. I finally understood how someone could feel like they'd been punched in the stomach. I fell deeper. I ran out of the room, hid to cry and fled the party. I opened the car windows and told myself to breath on the way home. Only to come home to an empty house and pint of chocolate ice cream (that wasn't even that good).
Frank pulled me out of it around my birthday. He's pretty wonderful.
But there's something dark and sinister that keeps trying to pull me back in. A photo with my best friend with all the babies - including ALL the preggos in the group. And there's a lot of them. One more rant about how "we cheated" and got pregnant. One more discussion about how "if I remembered what pregnancy felt like, I wouldn't do this again." One more facebook post about breast feeding in public or how parenting is so hard. An unintentional blow off that the fact I hadn't needed to buy a pregnancy test wasn't a big deal. One more dig that stings so much - and yet is just a normal part of life.
I wish it didn't matter and that it didn't hurt. And that all the baby talk and discussions about how "we'll probably get pregnant on our honeymoon" were just fine and dandy. I know it's normal and I don't wish it away. I just wish it didn't hurt.
Every month I tell myself to not hope too much. That we are probably not. But the hope is still there (as are the symptoms, thanks to progesterone supplements). And the hope gets crushed. And then I feel guilty - how do women do this month after month? It's only been three and I can't even imagine.
I have to be careful what I wear. Does that make me look pregnant? The question hurts - I'll avoid it at all costs. I have to be careful about what I dream and hope for. In May, I hoped that I'd go back to school with news for my students and teacher friends. That's not exactly looking as though it may be the case.
It's weird. I look at the friend who's due at the same time we were. I can't imagine myself that far along. I even thought yesterday about how it may be a blessing to be able to see her little grow up - to be able to imagine our little Michael and how it may be comforting to know that they'd be the same age.
Then there's the weird paradigm shift. I think it was last October when our NFP practitioner told us that we'd get pregnant on our honeymoon. I'm the girl with the normal, 28 day cycles. I'd predicted the same back before we'd even started charting in June. So not only was I mentally prepping myself to get married, I was mentally prepping myself for the baby carriage too. But now instead of the baby carriage and showers and cute little clothes (those ones I've dreamed of my whole life) there's a little grave and a little saint up in heaven that belongs to us. That's a bit of a shift in dreams.
I've wondered if we should take a break for emotional sanity. For one month off of the little ray's of hope and the fall deeper in the pit at the end of hope. So God wasn't ready for us to have a baby - maybe that we aren't ready. But six months ago I was willing to trust that he'd do what was best. Now I have to ask myself if I still trust him.
The quote from my daily calendar is from Thomas Merton says that it is no use praying if we are already planning our own answer to prayer. THIS is where I don't get NFP. (And that whole trusting thing). How do we trust and yet have so high a knowledge of what could happen? I looked up "taking a break from trying to conceive" this morning. A bunch of momma's who "took a break" only to wind up pregnant. So much for that trying not to hope thing.
So. There's a difference in these virtues of hope and trust. That's probably where I need to start. I have to trust that God knows what he's doing. And that when it's our time, he'll make it our time. In Hebrews 11:1 it says, "Faith is the realization of what is hoped for and evidence of things unseen." Help me have enough faith to trust in you - that if I trust, you will bring us hope "and hope does not disappoint, because the love of God has been poured out within our hearts through the Holy Spirit who was given to us."
Father - let me live in your love. Let your love give me faith to hope that your ways will not disappoint and that there is no need for this silly pit.
Thursday, July 18, 2013
Monday, June 17, 2013
Family Rules
There's been a huge onslaught in the decorating/etsy/pinterest world of what they call "Subway Art." I don't really get why they call it that. I've been on a few subways and I've never seen art quite that pretty. In Rome, there was definitely more graffiti. In D.C., there's really just not that much art.
Regardless of what it's called, I like the outcome. Put it on older wood (say fence posts) and I totally dig it! The English teacher in me loves quotes and sayings and inspirational tidbits! I even used a few for our wedding. (Really, it was a ploy to have some in our house.) That's the way to decorate for a wedding! Right now, this baby's hanging in our bedroom.
Well, we decided to make up our own family rules. Maybe someday (when we get more than three) I will paint them on a board and hang them for display. For know, I'll just blog them. A few weeks before we got married, Frank and I decided to go Christmas light looking. We got some yummy hot chocolate from Riverside Cafe (who seemed to have another set of owners - as long as the place doesn't go out of business). Sustained with warm beverages, we set out. Frank stopped at the house in Riverside with synchronized lights - man I love that stuff!!! After sitting through a few songs, we headed out driving again, looking for the new and prettier.
We ended up driving past a friends house. A few minutes after we'd passed saying, "There's Justin and Steffanie's house!" we made up our first family rule. That's right, we weren't technically family yet and already making rules. Rule #1: If you pass a friends house while light looking, you must stop and carol. I'm sure there will be amendments to this rule for lateness of hour. But if you get visited by Frank and I, now you'll know why!!
Family Rule # 2 came about while on our honeymoon. My parish did a fantastic job of celebrating the Feast of the Holy Family every year. (Which, come to think of it, always involved caroling and hot chocolate. Coincidence? I think not). This year, we went to Mass and headed out for our nice dinner. I had some sort of elegant fish dish. Frank had calf fries. It was our nice dinner. Over some mulled wine and in front of the fireplace at the restaurant in Manitou Springs, we wrote down the first and second family rules. Family Rule #2: Always celebrate the Feast of the Holy Family.
Rule #3. So I posted about Dad's Apple Cake last week? That's rule #3. What I'm hoping will be tradition started last year. Frank and I were supposed to meet my sister at our parents for the 4th of July. Then Dad came down sick so Teri invited us up to Omaha (otherwise known as the land with the BEST restaurants!). We had the best time and found the PERFECT spot for not one but two fantastic fireworks shows. Oh, and I made apple cake and we ate it for breakfast. Yum . . .
Do you guys have family rules? Are they all sophisticated like, "always love each other, hug every day" stuff or are they more silly (and therefore way more fun) like ours?
Regardless of what it's called, I like the outcome. Put it on older wood (say fence posts) and I totally dig it! The English teacher in me loves quotes and sayings and inspirational tidbits! I even used a few for our wedding. (Really, it was a ploy to have some in our house.) That's the way to decorate for a wedding! Right now, this baby's hanging in our bedroom.
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| My Daisy Ladies - All together!! |
Well, we decided to make up our own family rules. Maybe someday (when we get more than three) I will paint them on a board and hang them for display. For know, I'll just blog them. A few weeks before we got married, Frank and I decided to go Christmas light looking. We got some yummy hot chocolate from Riverside Cafe (who seemed to have another set of owners - as long as the place doesn't go out of business). Sustained with warm beverages, we set out. Frank stopped at the house in Riverside with synchronized lights - man I love that stuff!!! After sitting through a few songs, we headed out driving again, looking for the new and prettier.
We ended up driving past a friends house. A few minutes after we'd passed saying, "There's Justin and Steffanie's house!" we made up our first family rule. That's right, we weren't technically family yet and already making rules. Rule #1: If you pass a friends house while light looking, you must stop and carol. I'm sure there will be amendments to this rule for lateness of hour. But if you get visited by Frank and I, now you'll know why!!
Family Rule # 2 came about while on our honeymoon. My parish did a fantastic job of celebrating the Feast of the Holy Family every year. (Which, come to think of it, always involved caroling and hot chocolate. Coincidence? I think not). This year, we went to Mass and headed out for our nice dinner. I had some sort of elegant fish dish. Frank had calf fries. It was our nice dinner. Over some mulled wine and in front of the fireplace at the restaurant in Manitou Springs, we wrote down the first and second family rules. Family Rule #2: Always celebrate the Feast of the Holy Family.
Rule #3. So I posted about Dad's Apple Cake last week? That's rule #3. What I'm hoping will be tradition started last year. Frank and I were supposed to meet my sister at our parents for the 4th of July. Then Dad came down sick so Teri invited us up to Omaha (otherwise known as the land with the BEST restaurants!). We had the best time and found the PERFECT spot for not one but two fantastic fireworks shows. Oh, and I made apple cake and we ate it for breakfast. Yum . . .
Do you guys have family rules? Are they all sophisticated like, "always love each other, hug every day" stuff or are they more silly (and therefore way more fun) like ours?
Sunday, June 9, 2013
Dad's Apple Fritters
My mom was famous when I was in high school. Well, at least her apple cake was. We'd have bake sale fundraisers on Fort Leavenworth to raise money for band. Her apple cake was "To Die For." I'm pretty sure there were a couple of guys that raided the bake sale and bought up all her apple cake only to ask for more.
The best part of the apple cake? It's SUPER easy. The hardest part was cutting the apples.
Fast Forward about 15 years (give or take . . . ). We attempted to support River Fest this year. We went out on Wednesday and ate yummy fair food and sat next to one of "The People of Riverfest" at the Montgomery Gentry concert. And Frank promised to take me to fireworks last night. Well, we got there to listen to some Red Dirt (gotta love my redneck husband;) and chill before the fireworks. We'd even saved some food tickets for a funnel cake.
Well, rain is not our friend. It is important for the farmers but it closed the funnel cake stand (and the rest of the Riverfest) just as we got there. BUMMER!! And the Braum's we got as alternative last night just didn't hit the mark. (But if you get a chance, their new chocolate flavors are pretty yummy!).
This morning I woke up with the sun (and the dog) and was craving some baked good. Really, something with apples. So I got online and looked up Chocolate Covered Katie - she always seems to have something to curb the sweet tooth that I don't feel guilty about. But the Apple Pie Pancakes just didn't look good enough and had ingredients I don't have. Then I googled. Nada. Well, nothing that looked good.
Then, it hit me. Mom's Apple Cake. That'd make some pretty fantastic fritters! So I cut down the recipe and got out my ice cream scoop and cookie sheets and made the cake in fritter form. Perfect breakfast, right here! Yum!!
The best part of the apple cake? It's SUPER easy. The hardest part was cutting the apples.
Fast Forward about 15 years (give or take . . . ). We attempted to support River Fest this year. We went out on Wednesday and ate yummy fair food and sat next to one of "The People of Riverfest" at the Montgomery Gentry concert. And Frank promised to take me to fireworks last night. Well, we got there to listen to some Red Dirt (gotta love my redneck husband;) and chill before the fireworks. We'd even saved some food tickets for a funnel cake.
Well, rain is not our friend. It is important for the farmers but it closed the funnel cake stand (and the rest of the Riverfest) just as we got there. BUMMER!! And the Braum's we got as alternative last night just didn't hit the mark. (But if you get a chance, their new chocolate flavors are pretty yummy!).
This morning I woke up with the sun (and the dog) and was craving some baked good. Really, something with apples. So I got online and looked up Chocolate Covered Katie - she always seems to have something to curb the sweet tooth that I don't feel guilty about. But the Apple Pie Pancakes just didn't look good enough and had ingredients I don't have. Then I googled. Nada. Well, nothing that looked good.
Then, it hit me. Mom's Apple Cake. That'd make some pretty fantastic fritters! So I cut down the recipe and got out my ice cream scoop and cookie sheets and made the cake in fritter form. Perfect breakfast, right here! Yum!!
Monday, February 25, 2013
Snow days and normal
I officially feel like I don't have a job. Let me list the full days of work I've worked in the past two weeks.
Monday - regular schedule
Tuesday - 1 hour activity schedule
Wednesday - All School Mass for Ash Wednesday then I left after lunch
Thursday - 1 hour activity schedule AND I left early
Friday - sick day
Monday - no school, presidents day
Tuesday - regular day
Wednesday - regular day with random field trips to the windows for snow checks.
Thursday - snow day for me AND the hubs
Friday - snow day - just for me (where I pretty much did school stuff at home)
Monday - another snow day.
In reality, I have had 3 regular school days in the past 2 weeks and one day . . . and I kind of miss my students. And school. And normal. I'd really like normal. I don't really know what normal is. I went from dating (that was pretty normal and nice) to engaged (not normal or calm or low key whatsoever!!). Then I went from married and pregnant to married and not pregnant.
Yeah, those early/sick days? We found out we had miscarried our little one (pretty sure we conceived on our wedding night) on Ash Wednesday and miscarried him on Valentines day. Fun memories of our first V day, huh?
I don't want to go into bitter diatribe on how awful this was or how bummed I am and that I don't understand. Or go on about how when anyone mentions babies or sonograms I can hold it in for about 30 minutes but then in the comfort of only my husband I'll start crying again. At least right now, I don't want to go into it. I may in the future.
I am, however, kind of ready to figure out what our married normal is. Because I've been craving normal and non-overwhelming. (Pregnancy came with uncertainty and scary and worry and house shopping because I am TERRIFIED of going up and down our tiny one bedroom condo steps with a baby). Plus all the after the wedding craziness of thank you notes and sorting and cleaning and such. All in all, overwhelming stuff.
On our joint snow day, Frank and I got the house sorted. It was awesome! Until we went to pick up the rest of his stuff from his former roommate's house and it landed in our collective living room/dining room.
Even though once again we have stuff strewn everywhere, I am happy. I couldn't have asked for a better, more supportive, prayerful Catholic husband. While I was at home in pain, he was right there with me hooking us up with Warehouse 13 episodes on his computer. And when I needed to cry, he was there. When he needed to cry I got to be there too. And when it was over and we needed to pray, he prayed just what I would have prayed if it were me.
So even if I don't have normal, I have God and I have Frank. And that's the perfect beginning of normal.
I wonder if we'll have school tomorrow . . .
Monday - regular schedule
Tuesday - 1 hour activity schedule
Wednesday - All School Mass for Ash Wednesday then I left after lunch
Thursday - 1 hour activity schedule AND I left early
Friday - sick day
Monday - no school, presidents day
Tuesday - regular day
Wednesday - regular day with random field trips to the windows for snow checks.
Thursday - snow day for me AND the hubs
Friday - snow day - just for me (where I pretty much did school stuff at home)
Monday - another snow day.
In reality, I have had 3 regular school days in the past 2 weeks and one day . . . and I kind of miss my students. And school. And normal. I'd really like normal. I don't really know what normal is. I went from dating (that was pretty normal and nice) to engaged (not normal or calm or low key whatsoever!!). Then I went from married and pregnant to married and not pregnant.
Yeah, those early/sick days? We found out we had miscarried our little one (pretty sure we conceived on our wedding night) on Ash Wednesday and miscarried him on Valentines day. Fun memories of our first V day, huh?
I don't want to go into bitter diatribe on how awful this was or how bummed I am and that I don't understand. Or go on about how when anyone mentions babies or sonograms I can hold it in for about 30 minutes but then in the comfort of only my husband I'll start crying again. At least right now, I don't want to go into it. I may in the future.
I am, however, kind of ready to figure out what our married normal is. Because I've been craving normal and non-overwhelming. (Pregnancy came with uncertainty and scary and worry and house shopping because I am TERRIFIED of going up and down our tiny one bedroom condo steps with a baby). Plus all the after the wedding craziness of thank you notes and sorting and cleaning and such. All in all, overwhelming stuff.
On our joint snow day, Frank and I got the house sorted. It was awesome! Until we went to pick up the rest of his stuff from his former roommate's house and it landed in our collective living room/dining room.
Even though once again we have stuff strewn everywhere, I am happy. I couldn't have asked for a better, more supportive, prayerful Catholic husband. While I was at home in pain, he was right there with me hooking us up with Warehouse 13 episodes on his computer. And when I needed to cry, he was there. When he needed to cry I got to be there too. And when it was over and we needed to pray, he prayed just what I would have prayed if it were me.
So even if I don't have normal, I have God and I have Frank. And that's the perfect beginning of normal.
I wonder if we'll have school tomorrow . . .
Saturday, September 22, 2012
Reality Check
I don't know why I thought engagement would be a great time to start a blog. Who has time for blogging?
I'm going through a reality check. We hit 100 days till the big day this past week. My students keep picking up on little things I'm going to have to change my name on - like the test I gave on Monday. That one's gonna have to get updated as I used my name in a question. We keep updating things to my fiance's name - cell phones, internet, all kinds of stuff! It's supper exciting but also finally feeling real!!
Some stuff has become a part of life. I have a dog. And a gun cabinet. But in a few weeks (crazy!) there will be a boy living at my house. And I'll be a MRS! I walked out to my car before school the other day and realized that soon I won't be by myself in the morning. That's gonna take some getting used to! Especially since neither of us can be classified in any way as morning people.
We'll have to invest in coffee!!
I'm going through a reality check. We hit 100 days till the big day this past week. My students keep picking up on little things I'm going to have to change my name on - like the test I gave on Monday. That one's gonna have to get updated as I used my name in a question. We keep updating things to my fiance's name - cell phones, internet, all kinds of stuff! It's supper exciting but also finally feeling real!!
Some stuff has become a part of life. I have a dog. And a gun cabinet. But in a few weeks (crazy!) there will be a boy living at my house. And I'll be a MRS! I walked out to my car before school the other day and realized that soon I won't be by myself in the morning. That's gonna take some getting used to! Especially since neither of us can be classified in any way as morning people.
We'll have to invest in coffee!!
Thursday, August 23, 2012
Early Mornings
One of the things I'm going to have to get used to about having a dog around is this early morning thing. Last year, I took after one of my friends/coworkers who goes to work out in the morning. The whole trying to work out between after school stuff and when my boyfriend (now fiance!) showed up around my house (and I wanted to look AND smell pretty) wasn't working for me. I found the beauty in early morning wake ups.
Now there's a dog at my house. And between the lure of the back yard (read potty area) and the food he'll get when he gets back inside, Tex likes to wake me up early. And I kinda dig it. I've been making breakfasty food (peanut butter banana baked oatmeal last week, banana bread this weak). I've done laundry. It's quiet and gives me a chance to wake up slowly (especially versus the "get out of bed to put on clothes to get yourself to school by contract time of 7:25 me).
Speaking of which, my house is seeming a lot more homey and settled even in the past day. Monday we broke down and rented a garage (read storage unit right outside my house!). Camping stuff and stuff for our yard sale now has a place to GO. We switched out my big ol' not so comfy chair for Frank's rocker recliner (which is MUCH smaller!). And I got some time to go through and pick up sit around stuff! Yay!!!
Plus, I got some wedding planning stuff set! We have a DJ, links to some decoration stuff and presents for our moms!
Engagement is weird. My fiance gets to move stuff in (like his dog) but he can't live here. We talk about Natural Family Planning a LOT but cannot do anything about it. And sometimes it seems super weird that we aren't married yet. Is this normal?
I guess normal in society's standards involves actually living together and having sex while you are engaged. I'm all right not being that normal. But let me clarify (morning no coffee brain is getting me here) it's not that I want to live together or have sex right now (but I'll be super excited when I can) it just feels weird that we aren't married already.
You know how stuff get's built up as super big in your head? Then you get there they just happen and you kinda miss it? (Although at my best friend's wedding in '06 everything felt super big and like it was reality versus the dream feeling you sometimes get - I so hope ours is like that!) I guess I'm wondering if all the changes that marriage brings will be as overwhelming when we get there as I thought that they would be. Does it depend on the change?
Ok, now I need coffee!
Now there's a dog at my house. And between the lure of the back yard (read potty area) and the food he'll get when he gets back inside, Tex likes to wake me up early. And I kinda dig it. I've been making breakfasty food (peanut butter banana baked oatmeal last week, banana bread this weak). I've done laundry. It's quiet and gives me a chance to wake up slowly (especially versus the "get out of bed to put on clothes to get yourself to school by contract time of 7:25 me).
Speaking of which, my house is seeming a lot more homey and settled even in the past day. Monday we broke down and rented a garage (read storage unit right outside my house!). Camping stuff and stuff for our yard sale now has a place to GO. We switched out my big ol' not so comfy chair for Frank's rocker recliner (which is MUCH smaller!). And I got some time to go through and pick up sit around stuff! Yay!!!
Plus, I got some wedding planning stuff set! We have a DJ, links to some decoration stuff and presents for our moms!
Engagement is weird. My fiance gets to move stuff in (like his dog) but he can't live here. We talk about Natural Family Planning a LOT but cannot do anything about it. And sometimes it seems super weird that we aren't married yet. Is this normal?
I guess normal in society's standards involves actually living together and having sex while you are engaged. I'm all right not being that normal. But let me clarify (morning no coffee brain is getting me here) it's not that I want to live together or have sex right now (but I'll be super excited when I can) it just feels weird that we aren't married already.
You know how stuff get's built up as super big in your head? Then you get there they just happen and you kinda miss it? (Although at my best friend's wedding in '06 everything felt super big and like it was reality versus the dream feeling you sometimes get - I so hope ours is like that!) I guess I'm wondering if all the changes that marriage brings will be as overwhelming when we get there as I thought that they would be. Does it depend on the change?
Ok, now I need coffee!
Tuesday, August 7, 2012
New Beginnings
I feel like my life is full of beginnings right now. I'm engaged to the love of my life, he moved temporarily to THIS side of town (before he moves in December (how many days is that again, www.knot.com?)), the country decided to rewrite my job description with this common core business and there's a dog living at my house who *thinks* he's going to get to sleep on my bed - it may be a long night. I feel it is a great occasion for a new blog to compile my thoughts and feelings on the crazy fast paced life that is mine.
I'm reminded of one of my favorite movie quotes that soothes me in these crazy in between times. In "Hope Floats," Sandra Bullock (love her!) says, "Beginnings are scary. Endings are usually sad, but it's what's in the middle that counts. So when you find yourself at the beginning, just give hope a chance to float up. And it will." Which beginning should I choose? Pet ownership? The school year? The upcoming beginning of my marriage and a new role in his family?
There are a lot to choose from. And it doesn't seem like there's time to let hope float up. We're running to inservice and marriage prep and NFP and family this and friend that. And, in my 32 years, I've learned that I'm not that good at change. I need to anticipate change. Breath it in. Picture it. Imagine myself in it. So God, as much as I've been begging and pleading for this engagement/marriage thing, could you let it slow down a little? That'd be great.
Father's homily this morning at our diocesan teacher inservice was on trust and courage. Please, Heavenly Father, give me the courage I need to face the beginnings that remind me more of the first week of college classes where your teachers throw the syllabus in your face and say, "here, read all this. Tonight. There will be more tomorrow." Oh, that only happens to English majors? Y'all missed out!! Anyway, Papa, give me the grace and faith I need to let the hope float up.
I'm reminded of one of my favorite movie quotes that soothes me in these crazy in between times. In "Hope Floats," Sandra Bullock (love her!) says, "Beginnings are scary. Endings are usually sad, but it's what's in the middle that counts. So when you find yourself at the beginning, just give hope a chance to float up. And it will." Which beginning should I choose? Pet ownership? The school year? The upcoming beginning of my marriage and a new role in his family?
There are a lot to choose from. And it doesn't seem like there's time to let hope float up. We're running to inservice and marriage prep and NFP and family this and friend that. And, in my 32 years, I've learned that I'm not that good at change. I need to anticipate change. Breath it in. Picture it. Imagine myself in it. So God, as much as I've been begging and pleading for this engagement/marriage thing, could you let it slow down a little? That'd be great.
Father's homily this morning at our diocesan teacher inservice was on trust and courage. Please, Heavenly Father, give me the courage I need to face the beginnings that remind me more of the first week of college classes where your teachers throw the syllabus in your face and say, "here, read all this. Tonight. There will be more tomorrow." Oh, that only happens to English majors? Y'all missed out!! Anyway, Papa, give me the grace and faith I need to let the hope float up.
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